2015 – Regenesis
This year felt like one big rite of passage into womanhood.
As I sit here at the end of November, I take a deep breath and let it out. I am integrating and reflecting and taking time to let it all sink in.
I am no longer Tanya Paluso. I am now Tanya Kozlowski. Mother to Kali. Wife to Brent.
As someone who creates a lot of urgency and moves forward very quickly, I am for the first time taking my time, slowly savoring all of this. There is no rush. There is no hurry. I am enjoying the present moment.
Gave birth naturally at home to Kali Lynn Kozlowski, 9 lbs 1 oz at 4:27pm.
Married Brent Kozlowski at Ponto Beach on October 4th. Barefoot.
Completed two Sistership Circle Facilitator Training programs.
Held multiple circles and supported other women in holding circles around the world.
Went on a honeymoon to Costa Rica.
Top 5 Lessons:
There is no shame in receiving support.
After giving birth, I had a hard time walking between the stitches and my pelvic floor aching from holding such a big baby at the end. After a week or so, I felt depressed. Crying uncontrollably. Brent worried. So I waved the white flag of surrender, asking my friends for help. I had someone come over to the house every day to give me reiki, massage or other healing work. Everyday we had someone bring food. I learned for the “first 40 days” after birth that there is no shame in being wrecked after childbirth and admitting to having the baby blues. There is no shame in receiving support from community. It wasn’t easy to get clear on what exactly I needed and ask for help. But every time someone showed up for me, I felt the most immense gratitude. And I developed a deep compassion for all the women who had gone through this rite of passage before and after me. I bow down in reverence to the Mother.
The power of discernment.
I had a hard time this year accepting the drastic change, especially the decrease in time and energy. I simply could not work or live the way I used to. Not that this is a bad thing; I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But I had to adjust. All year I would get excited and say yes to something to later have to say no, I can’t do it. I’m slowly learning to pause, take it in without committing, and then discern whether it is a yes or no. And most of the time, it has to be a no … for now. My priority is my family, which means I can’t do a ton of projects and collaborations and social events and parties. The time I have for myself I want to take for myself to rest, relax, and rejuvenate. To create space. To be spacious.
Living in flow with cycles and rhythms.
I am one of the rarely women who got my period 3 months after getting birth. And I am not complaining. For years I had wanted to work and live in flow with my cycle. Now, with a new awareness of my body and its rhythm, I started to do that. I track the moons and my monthly cycle in my calendar. I make adjustments to my schedule accordingly. And I’m noticing how my energy has been increasing as a result. The book 4 Seasons in 4 Weeks helped me get in touch with this and now it is something that feels natural.
The magic of co-creation.
Everything is a co-creation. Between me and God. Between me and others. Everything is in relationship. So it made sense for Brent and I to co-create our vows, which turned out like magic. Our wedding turned out magical because of the contributions of so many of our friends and family members. And Sistership Circle has been the place for me to practice this flow, being open to all of the contributions that women have made over the past couple years to the circle experience.
Navigating the waters mentorship – sistership – friendship.
It’s hard to not be friends with everyone I work with or are in circle with because of the nature of the work. I’m immersed. I’m in the circle, not above it, not outside of it. In its messiness, stickiness. It becomes personal. Feelings get hurt. Upsets happen. Boundaries become unclear. I’m learning to how to create healthy boundaries without barriers. I’m learning how to distinguish the difference between the three and communicate as I go along. I lean in even when it’s uncomfortable because these women are all mirrors of me.