Truth telling is one of my top values and so I am very clear that I need to be as transparent as possible during this pregnancy. It’s what had me make an announcement during the first month instead of waiting until the end of the first trimester.
We all know that pregnancies can be rough. Morning sickness. Bloating. Boobs hurting. Exhaustion. The most difficult part of my pregnancy so far has been nothing related to my body. It’s been my partnership.
I’m an independent woman who’s always done things my own way. I love partnership and I also equally love my independence. Sometimes the two are hard to balance. Brent loves me for it and yet jokes about how difficult I can be sometimes.
But Brent was not laughing when I made the announcement.
“How you could you do it without me? This is the third time you’ve left me out of something important!”
I had taken the pregnancy test right after he left my house and then called him to tell him on the phone. He was so upset that I did it without him.
I did it again for the second test a week later.
And then here we were again, another big event during my pregnancy and I didn’t include him in the announcement. Our announcement.
Why was I acting like I was in this alone? Why was I unconsciously doing these things without him?
I wasn’t doing it “purposely.” I didn’t want to leave him out. I mean, what a problem to have for a woman, right? A man who wants to be involved in everything? I’m so blessed! So grateful to have his commitment and support!
Something was going on subconsciously. During the past year, I had been digging deep into my subconscious beliefs and letting them go in a process called Releasing The Past. There was something I hadn’t completely “cleared” and I was determined to get to the bottom of this. I didn’t want to do this to Brent again. I didn’t want to sabotage our relationship or this pregnancy.
So I got back in the trenches with two women I was mentoring. We all headed out to the lagoon to do “the work.” This was the first time since I completed the process that I needed to clear like this, but no shame in doing so.
As I walked down to the lagoon, I started to see the subconscious pattern of “being in control.”
Where I felt like Brent was going to try to control me so I better take control first.
Where I felt like I needed to be in control and not give him any decision-making power.
Where I felt like I needed to be in control of everything.
And then the kicker … where I felt like I needed to control everything because of my fear of this baby coming into the world and being in danger.
I cried as I tapped into the fear of not being safe. Of me and this baby not being safe. And I cried. Hard. Letting it go.
I am safe. I am safe. I am safe.
This baby is safe. This baby is safe. This baby is safe.
It’s safe for me to let go of control.
Let it go.
Let it go.
Let it go.
This had nothing to do with Brent. He was the innocent bystander in the line of fire of my subconscious protector killing off anyone and anything in the way of potentially putting this baby in danger.
But an announcement? What’s so dangerous about that?
Nothing. That’s the point. The subconscious has no link to the logical brain. It doesn’t “think” … it reacts. Viciously. Without making any sense. And if I wanted to be in partnership, I needed to clear this subconscious belief before it did more to sabotage and separate us.
The clearing brought up the pain. The sadness swept over me. To feel like I had to protect and fend for myself was heavy. To feel like I had to control every aspect of this pregnancy and this baby’s childhood was exhausting. And I didn’t want it any more.
It’s in God’s hands. God has a plan for me and God has a plan for this baby. And I can only do the best that I can with what I know.
I will be a terrific mother, I know it. And I have to trust that whatever happens to this child will be absolutely perfect.
I’m glad Brent reacted and got upset with me because it gave me access to dig deeper into this “trigger” and get the true lesson: to trust that life works for me, for this baby, for us.
To learn this during pregnancy now will make the birth easier, the child-rearing easier and my future marriage easier.
Let go and let God.