Have you ever felt like the floodgates have opened and you are afraid of drowning?
That’s exactly where I’ve been the past couple weeks. When it rains, it pours.
Between nursing my baby and adjusting to motherhood, planning a wedding, starting a business partnership with my fiance, Brent, where he has taken on the CTO role for Sistership Circle, supporting and coaching a team of Sistership Circle facilitators, launching the next Mastery of Circle Leadership program, leading two circles and having so many creative ideas flowing through me, I feel like this is my year and I’m being given everything I’ve asked for and more.
It’s at this point that self-sabotage can creep in.
Can I handle it?
Is it too much? Too good to be true?
How do I maintain control?
I felt myself contracting, feeling pressured, and getting a splitting headache. But I pressed on, ignoring my body’s signs of stress.
And then it all hit me this past weekend. I was so triggered by the people around me. I felt wound up, tightly coiled like a cobra ready to strike. I felt like I had all this anger stirring in me. I didn’t want to lash out. So I kept it all in as much as I could, afraid of losing control and blowing it.
And that’s exactly what I realized I needed to do: let go of control.
I had gone numb, I was in my head, making it all work. I was back in an old pattern of operating from the masculine. I needed to get back in my body, release all the tension, and return to my feminine flow.
So I did. Because I am asked so many times how we as women shift from our masculine to feminine power, I want to share with you my process:
1) start looking for clues.
I checked in with my body. Ok, so my neck and back are out of alignment. I got a chiropractic adjustment. Worked for a week, but was a quick fix. What is the emotional cause? What’s at the root? What is my neck trying to tell me? So I used Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” and this is what it said about neck problems:
“Refusing to see the other sides of a question. Stubbornness, inflexibility.”
Yep. Sounds about right. I was laser focused on what was going right and not willing to look at what wasn’t feeling good in my body. I was ignoring the signs, being stubborn.
2) process the information given.
What was the trigger? Where could I be responsible for it as my trigger and not getting trapped in the blame and shame game? Don’t shoot the messenger, get the message.
I connected the dots of all my triggers and saw a common theme: I didn’t want to lose control. Why? In fear of losing all the goodness in my life. I was afraid of drowning if I let go of the steering wheel of the ship. I asked my fiance to sit down with me and listen as I talked through it, telling him very specifically not to give me advice or solutions. He held space so I could come to my own conclusions and see what was really going on.
As soon as I took responsibility, I claimed my power back.
3) get in touch with the emotion stuck in the body and release it.
This is where most people stop; they process it, they have the a-ha, but it’s all in the head. The true breakthrough occurs when we get it on a bodily level. And how we get into the body is through feeling.
So last night at circle, I told the women how I was angry and I need to scream, cry and be held. I felt some shame come up around my vulnerability, but quickly realized that I needed to trust my sisters, and ask for their support. So they put me on a massage table, held my hands and feet, and held space for me to release my emotion. The tears came. I screamed. I allowed the feelings to overtake me and move through me. I let go of what they would think of me. I let it rip. And I felt myself uncoiling, releasing, opening, clearing. I felt some pain from my birth 100 days ago and let it go. I felt some grief from losing the “old” me and let it go. I felt the anger at feeling constricted with my time having a newborn and let it go.
I felt it all and just let it pass through me.
Suddenly, I found myself laughing. Hysterically. Ahhhhhhh … there I am. There’s my joy. There’s my freedom. It’s been there all along, like a lotus flower bursting through the mud.
Energy was freed up. Headache was gone. I couldn’t sleep that night I was so wired. And Brent couldn’t keep his hands off of me.
Why? Because I got in touch with my shakti. My feminine life force. I got unstuck, unblocked and was back in the flow.
We are so afraid of feeling our feelings. We have been conditioned to stay strong, to put on a smiley face, to not be vulnerable.
But the access to our freedom is through our emotions as women. We are feelers. It’s one of our superpowers. It’s part of our self-expression.
4) Be in possibility.
From this new place, I could stop the “doing” and get back to “being” my magnetic self. I felt great. I felt inspired. That’s the place I want to create from. And that’s when the magic keeps stirring, the miracles keep popping, the river keeps flowing, and life keeps getting juicier.
It takes courage to let go because it is surrendering into unknown, uncharted waters. It requires trust — in yourself, in a higher power.
Now over to you: are you holding on to something (anything) too tightly, afraid to let go of control? What’s the worse that can happen? And is that really that bad? On the flip side, if you let go, what could open up and be possible that may not have been possible before?