A week ago, I got a call from my friend, Peter, asking for information on how I did my book launch last year. He was super inspired by what I had put together with women reading passages from the book as well as musicians rocking the house. Over 70 people in our community rallied at the local coffee shop and turned it into a huge celebration. He shared that he was feeling so vulnerable in putting his book out there and asking everyone to come to his launch.
I just got back from a much needed vacation where I completely unplugged from everything. I started at Honeyroot to immerse myself in the hive of queen bees, surrendering, letting go, and receiving. I then picked up my man in Reno and went to camp at Lake Tahoe with some friends. We ended in Paso Robles to play cards listening to wind chimes in the backyard, sleep in, go to Morro Bay, and relax at Brent’s mom’s home.
As Kali turned 4 months, I realized I had not given myself a break. So with no distractions, I got to unwind. And in the unwinding process, lots of pent up emotion released (and is continuing to release).
I have been feeling this collective scarcity around me. “I don’t have the money” has probably been the number one thing I’ve heard in the past month.
And so I did what I always do: look within. The outer world is a reflection of our inner landscape and so the collective was mirroring an aspect of my own scarcity.
One of my intentions for 2015 is to speak on a Tedx stage. If you haven’t heard of Ted, it is one of the premier stages for change agents to present their big ideas to the world.
Today, I shot a 2 minute “informal” video to apply to speak at a local Tedx event and it was a very powerful experience.
It reconnected me with my deeper WHY. The reason I do what I do in empowering, inspiring and teaching women how to lead circle.
Have you ever felt like the floodgates have opened and you are afraid of drowning?
That’s exactly where I’ve been the past couple weeks. When it rains, it pours.
Between nursing my baby and adjusting to motherhood, planning a wedding, starting a business partnership with my fiance, Brent, where he has taken on the CTO role for Sistership Circle, supporting and coaching a team of Sistership Circle facilitators, launching the next Mastery of Circle Leadership program, leading two circles and having so many creative ideas flowing through me, I feel like this is my year and I’m being given everything I’ve asked for and more.
It’s at this point that self-sabotage can creep in.
Can I handle it?
Is it too much? Too good to be true?
How do I maintain control?
I felt myself contracting, feeling pressured, and getting a splitting headache. But I pressed on, ignoring my body’s signs of stress.
When I was pregnant, I felt like I was going through a tunnel. I knew there was some new world on the other side, and I could see a little bit of the light, but it was incomprehensible at that time. I was excited, scared, apprehensive, giddy and sad all at once.
Sad because my old life was quickly disappearing. Excited and giddy at the new possibilities. Scared and apprehensive that I would be a huge failure.
I didn’t get clear I wanted to even be a mother until I was 33 and got pregnant exactly a year later. I had it that being a mother was not enough. I valued my work more than family for the decade leading up to my pregnancy and didn’t want to be like my own mother who gave everything up to have me.
As women have gone into the workforce over the past century, our culture as a whole has devalued motherhood and the feminine in general. Many of my friends are afraid of giving up their lifestyle and their career to have children. More and more women are waiting until they are in their late thirties and forties if at all.