Another layer: I’ve let go of planning my wedding right now.
When Jodi asked me about it yesterday, I got really agitated and then started crying. I realized that I have been caught up in “I have to set the date and get the venue now so I don’t lose out on what I want” but I don’t even know what I want for my wedding.
And everything could change when the baby comes.
My deepest fear around my wedding is feeling bored, disconnected and unfulfilled, like I wasted a bunch of money and resources. That I will feel like it is no longer for me but about everyone else. A show, an ego trip, to please everyone else’s desires for me instead of what Brent and I want for us.
The truth is, I’ve been focused on “fixing” this fear to avoid what’s really there: the fears around becoming a mother.
“If only I feel good about my wedding and get that sorted, I will feel better about the baby.”
So when I let go of planning my wedding until AFTER the baby, I sobbed in Jodi’s arms. Allowing myself to feel yet another layer of fear around the baby coming.
What if we get apathetic and don’t want to have a wedding after the baby?
What if our relationship falls apart?
Will I go unconscious as a mother and lose myself?
Will I be able to do this?
Will I go insane? Can I handle it?
Natural fears, I know, but this isn’t about the mind rationalizing it to make it all better. Millions of women have done it already and knowing that, I still feel all of this.
And that’s ok. Allowing, once again, what’s really there, right underneath the surface. If only we all gave ourselves permission to be ok with fear, pain, and grief that is a natural part of being human.