my last 100 days

MY LAST 100 DAYS

This past week I found much needed balance between working and self-care. When I allowed myself to be still and quiet, I felt a tidal wave of grief overcome me. A river of tears surging out of me.

Because in that silence I found myself facing my own death as who I’ve known myself to be and the overwhelming fears around my rebirth as a mother.

I give birth to my baby, and to myself, in about 100 days.

Earlier this year I had shed so many layers of myself, stripping my identity and ego, which led me to get pregnant in the first place. I thought I had gone through the death of my old self already.

But what I realized is that we go through many little deaths, all part of life, and when we allow ourselves to grief, we create greater capacity to accept the birth that is about to occur.

I’m in and out of it, oscillating between the great joy of being in love with my work and the expansion of Sistership Circle and the great grief of the inevitable change right around the corner.

I can understand and empathize with post-partum depression as it settles in that life will never be the same.

I’m so grateful that I am facing this now before the baby comes; to feel the grief and mourning fully, to accept it as it is.

As I feel it, I let it go, knowing it may come back tomorrow. In that empty space a new question arises:

If this were the last 100 days of my life, what would I do? What do I want to get out of it?

And so here I am, living in the moment, following my desire to take a last trip before my death to the Bay Area to see some of my sisters, take a final cleansing dip in the hot springs at Harbin, be in Circle on Tues, and revel in the memories of college at UC Berkeley.

What else do I desire?

When it comes to sex: slow, soft love making.

When it comes to exercise: gentle, easy stretching and walking.

When it comes to eating: delicious, rich, organic comfort food.

When it comes to relationship: meaningful, deep conversation.

To be enveloped in a warm soft blanket. To be cuddled, and hugged, and told that I am loved.

To sit in 10-days of silent meditation, just I imagined last year during my annual Vippasana sit.

To spend time in nature.

To write.

To laugh, cry, sing and dance.

To empower the leadership in Sistership Circle.

To be me, and express all of me.

I am already doing all of these things. I am already living how I want to live. I literally have everything I need and am happy with everything I’ve created.

There is more I would love to experience and do, but I feel fulfilled in what I have accomplished.

So this birth/rebirth – although scary and overwhelming – feels like the next natural evolution of my life. The next era, the next edge to walk on, the next level of embodying what I learned during the first half of living on this planet.

I may cry again tomorrow and next week again and next month, as is natural when grieving. That is the great power of the feminine: to feel it all so deeply. The joy and the grief all at once.

Thank God I am a woman.
Thank God I am a human being.
Thank God for this life.

lesson from the Sistership Circle Festival

Tonight was so off the charts that I can’t sleep! I’m going through the photos and am in love with each and every person who showed up for one of the most powerful events I’ve hosted in my career.

The irony …

At about 2pm, I had a string of messages coming in from people telling me they couldn’t make it. Each one that came through felt like a stab to my heart and by 3pm, I was in tears. This had been happening all week and with my pregnancy hormones raging, I couldn’t help but feel down.

I was agitated the entire ride over and when Debbie Lichter called me to tell me she was running late due to traffic, I couldn’t hide my frustration. “You sound down,” she commented. And I told her yes, I was down and explained what had been happening all day. She responded, “It’s going to be perfect. I’m bringing some yummy energy with me tonight and this event is going to be so amazing, I can just feel it!”

A few minutes later, I entered the space and my whole body started to relax. The energy from the last event still lingered. I felt my center. I felt my excitement. It was perfect. Brent commented to me: “Didn’t you say that you didn’t have enough space for everyone?” And sure enough, as we set up the backjacks, there was just enough space for the people who confirmed.

I knew this all along, that it was perfect and there was nothing wrong with anyone cancelling – the day before or an hour before – and I also realized that even knowing it is all perfect and trusting the flow of things, I still can feel angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, agitated and/or upset.

To hide those emotions, cover them up, deny them, would be inauthentic.

To feel those emotions, express them, acknowledge them, allows me to let them move through, would be access to a release.

Interestingly, that was one of the themes of the shares during the event: the challenge of playing the full range, feeling the intensity of anger as a man, being vulnerable and expressing the ugly.

And as I write this, I don’t feel any of those feelings that I felt this afternoon. It’s as if they never happened. Because they are impermanent. I didn’t stuff them down to resurface later. I felt them fully. And I let them go. I hold nothing against anyone, I simply don’t have it in me to hold something against someone or to blame anyone for anything anymore. The truth is: there is nothing ever wrong, it is never anyone’s fault, and everything is exactly as it is supposed to be. TRUST. SURRENDER. ALLOW. BE.

sugar addiction

I have an addiction to sugar. Yep, and it has had me by a stranglehold the past couple weeks. The launch has had me on hyper-focus mode and my go-to stimulant has been sweets.

Last night at Sistership Circle, we tuned into our bodies and identified what imay be in pain. My middle back. Louise Hays’ You Can Heal Your Life says that middle back pain is related to guilt.

Every time I eat a sweet, I feel immense guilt of the damage it is doing to Little Be.

I know the pattern: work + not enough self-care = eat sugar

So instead of beating myself up, I’m doing exactly what I talked about last night and making sure every day I get a “treat” — something that feels yummy and nourishing and can fulfill the craving for sweets without going for the sugar.

So far today I have needed A LOT to feel fulfilled: yoga, a beach walk and now I’m in the bathtub soaking.

Thank god for the reflections at Sistership Circle to keep me healthy and in alignment.

acknowledgement

There is nothing quite like doing the launch for http://sistershipcircle.com when you are pregnant. I have been tested in terms of creating balance and not stressing myself out, and I have become very mindfully aware of who I am BEING as the feminine space holder vs. DOING the work to “pull it off.” For the first time in my career, I am not worried, nervous or focused on the outcome because what matters most is how the women (including myself) FEEL when they are in the space. And I’m feeling pretty frickin fantastic.

As I sit here meditating on my intentions for the Sistership Circle Virtual Festival opening tomorrow, I am present to GRACE and the GIFT that circle has been in my life. That is why I am creating this; because Sistership Circle has held me through a very beautiful period of my life and it was the support of my sisters that inspired me to manifest some of my deepest desires including having a baby.

I am celebrating myself for following through to make this vision a reality.

I am celebrating this moment when I actually stop and pause to sit and reflect in gratitude. For years, I was always onto the next step and failed to acknowledge the people who worked by my side. And right now, there is nothing more important.

I am in awe of the gorgeous work that my man Brent Kozlowski has done in such a short period of time. The website is incredible. He is so talented. He has literally given up his time to support my dream. He is my hero.

I’m so grateful for the facilitators who see the vision and have called it their own. Thank you Elena Rivera MacGregor, Elena Stasik, Megan Kennedy, Yvette Vargas, Sheva Balkany-Freilich, Erika Watson, Snow Thorner, Misha Mckinney, Alison Love, Aumatma Shah, and Michelle Csonka for your courage, willingness and love.

I’m honored by the presence of so many people who said yes to the vision and are partnering with me to bring this work out into the world. Thank you for believing in me Jody England, Elizabeth Purvis, Elayne Kalila Doughty, Sora Surya No, Joanne Ameya Cohen, Lisa Fabrega, Leela Somaya, Rita Hovakimian, Karen Klassen, Kc Baker, Alaya Gold, Amber Hartnell, Jess Johnson, Michele Rooney, Nancy Parker, Jolie Dawn, Debbie Lichter, Katherine Marie Zagone, Erinn McMurtrie, Adelaide Marcus, Corinne Lebrun, Monique Darling, Christina Dunbar, Renee Jeffus, Ali Shanti, Christopher Kyle, Jon Block, Mike Hrostoski, Julie McAfee, Sierra Sullivan, Amy Jo Goddard, LiYana Silver, Lisa Schrader, Pamela Madsen, Caroline Graham Muir, Arjuna Ardagh, John Gray, Misty Silva Jenneiahn and all the beautiful people sharing the message with their communities.

There is this tinge of “who am I to be giving this thank you speech?” like I’m winning an Oscar or something. And then I quickly let that go and replace it with “who am I NOT to acknowledge the hard work, dedication and commitment of so many individuals?” That is the essence and fabric of TRIBE. That is what SISTERSHIP is truly all about. And so there it is. My opening ceremonies. Let the fun begin!

manifesting community everywhere

When you are a stand for community, it shows up everywhere. I went out to put an envelop in my mailbox this afternoon, and in front of my driveway was my neighbor with her two little girls and my other neighbor, an elderly man. I am greeted with friendly smiles and an invitation to a block party on Friday early evening before the kids all go trick-or-treating.

“We are a tight cul-de-sac. Everyone looks out for each other’s kids so we feel like we can go to one another for anything.”

Of course this is the neighborhood I move to. Of course there are friendly women who are also up to women’s empowerment. Of course there is a block party the first week we move in.

Manifestation at its highest. I wonder, how can it get better than this?