I woke up with a jolt. Today is the day. “I’m going to take a pregnancy test.”
Brent was wide awake. “Well, shit just got real real.”
A few hours later, within 10 seconds of peeing on the stick, a line appeared, unmistakeably pointing to the fact that I was very pregnant. I burst into tears of joy.
It was unexpected in a sense. Brent and I are only 4 months into our relationship. We had talked about trying to have a baby a year from now. After we got engaged. After we got married. After we hiked the Pacific Crest Trail together, a 5 month wilderness trek from Mexico to Canada.
That was our plan.
But God had another plan. And when I look back at the series of events that occurred over the past 12 months, everything led to this exact outcome.
The seed of conception planted
In the final chapter of my book Open Your Heart: How to be a New Generation Feminine Leader, I share the story of how I got clear that I wanted to be a mother. Karen Solomon came over for lunch one afternoon in June 2013 and offered some of the most potent advice I had ever received:
Get clear if you are a Yes to motherhood or a No. Just make sure you get off the fence.
Karen got into a marriage on the fence. Unclear on whether or not she wanted kids. She shared with me that it was her biggest regret. Not knowing her Yes or her No and going with his No.
I listened. I paused. I let it sink in. I got really quiet and I found my Yes.
“Yes! I’m a Yes!”
The universe heard me and conspired.
The healing journey I went on from that week forward supported my intention.
First, I had to bring awareness to what my fears were around having kids and how these fears became traumas trapped in my body. I was introduced to Mimi Miller, an acupuncturist who practiced a healing modality called NET. In a few sessions, we uncovered how I started experiencing numbness when my kindergarten classmate died from a series of seizures and the trauma resurfaced while I was teaching English in Japan when my young student was killed by a car and a friend’s 4 year old had a freak accident falling off a bridge to his death. While on the practitioner’s table, I cracked open and got underneath the numbness, allowing myself to grief those children’s deaths and letting go of the fear of losing my own children.
I also had a fear of throwing away my dreams and giving up my career to have children. I didn’t want to be like my own mother, a stay-at-home-mom who gave up her identity for me. I looked down on her and resented her for years. This had multiple layers that unraveled over the course of 12 months.
Next I had to re-parent myself and cross the threshold to spiritual adult. I was introduced to Barry Green who took me through the Releasing The Past Program. What was supposed to be a 4 month process turned into 11 months of my dark night of the soul where I faced every belief that held me back from moving forward and released them. Looking back, this was my journey into the feminine, discovering who I am as a woman and what would be possible for me as a mother.
It was through this process that I birthed my book. It was also through this process that I finally let go of my parents still being my parents and see them for who they really are: two individuals who came together in partnership to parent me. This final step in letting go of my safety net allowed me to surrender into the hands of God and trust God’s plan for me.
And finally, I had to share my truth to the world, letting the universe know that I was ready to fulfill on my intention. I had a vision since 2011 to produce my own version of Vagina Monologues, creating a stage for leaders to act out their own stories. After countless times trying to get the show together, I finally pulled 8 of us together and set the performance date for June 28.
My performance piece started with a shaman figure commanding, “breathe into your womb,” and was about my journey of letting go of my resistance to the feminine. By the end of the piece, I finally came home to myself, knowing that I am enough just as I am and it’s safe for me to become a mother.
“I’m ready,” I said at the end of my piece.
Intuitively in that moment, I knew I had conceived a week prior. I knew I was telling the universe that I was indeed ready to take on this commitment.
Two days later, God confirmed my commitment to bring a life into the world.
While unexpected and not exactly part of “our” plan, it was a very consciously created plan orchestrated in perfect divine timing. Every time my breath gets caught in my chest and I think, “oh shit, am I really ready for this? Can I really be all in with this plan?” I let go and remember that God would never give me something I couldn’t handle.
I trust. I let go. I am ready for this next chapter of my life.